Tuesday, November 27, 2012

to all the boys i've loved before ~ #1


I have always thought that I’d be married by the time I’m 27 years old. Have always dreamed and planned it, and was always sure it'll come true. Yet, my 28th birthday was last month and for the first time in my life since I took up dating, I have been single for almost a year.

Life, huh? It always manages to find a silly creative sarcastic way to screw one over. Hahaa!

Am a big believer that nothing in life comes as a coincidence. It’s there to serve a purpose. Whether it’s to help, to teach, or simply to show a fact that we fail to notice – things happen for a reason. We just need to learn to comprehend them.

Now, these next few lines will sound extra cheesy. I just can’t stop myself to want to write it down anyways. This, is my tacky confession. And here it goes:
I‘ve been meaning to write a post series on the main actors that have casted in my life. Surely all of them since that’ll be too many (and too boring, and not to mention too narcissi of me). But about some, and with only one character at a time.

This particular first post edition is dedicated to the one who had crossed my mind when I thought about my life to come lately. About the color and lesson he gave me.

Note that this is not a hate post. If anything, this is more of a thank you note.
My gratitude, to all the boys I’ve loved before.
–Maan, I’m so sorry I made your lyric sounded cheesy, Mr.Iglesias. :|
----------------------------------------------------------------

So yes, I’ve been thinking about the future lately. Being a spontaneous character, this is unlikely of myself.  By experience, I’ve learned that making plans is not among my stronger point. Geez, look what happened with my marriage plan? :p
Anyways, to be specific, I’ve been thinking about my future career.

Now, people.. I loved my job.
Yes, you read correctly. The sentence above is written in past tense. Which means, I used to love my job but not anymore.

It doesn’t pay as well as its social status and reputation, since I work in a multinational energy company. But my work developed my professional competencies the exact way I wanted it, at least for the first 4 years that is. And I used to dream I’d be in that position. To be a CSR implementer in this particular company was one of my wildest dreams. And this is just me saying the truth out loud.

Nonetheless, while entering my 5th year now, I’m thinking of leaving it. 
And this thought, was especially triggered by one guy’s wedding invitation. I’d like to think of it as the last surprise sponsored by my dear most recent ex-boyfriend that have just dumped me earlier this year. Nice one, cup! Gave me a hell of a wake-up call.

Now, this guy. Wrecked my life’s plan. Single handedly ruin my path to tie the knot with the man I’ve been seeing for 6 years before I met him (thus, the messed up 27-years-old-and-already-married scenario – that’ll be in another post though).

He was not quite the type that I would fall for. Not that nerdy and bright and challenging in an intellectual manner type. *ups! :p
But he made excellent career choices. He’s good at what he does, and he made the right calls for himself in that matter. That's more than suffice.
The best memory I have of him, would be when he chased me all across the country border – for whatever reason that was. What he did simply made me felt wanted, and I felt like I finally found someone that felt I'm that worthy to go after. 
Sure, his consistency was terribly questioned after that. But he made me remember how to fall head over heels for someone. How it feels to be incredibly stupid in love.
And for all of the above; I thanked you, Sir.

Your wedding invitation slapped me in the face for have staying put in my life, at least since you went away. When all my friends (yes, including you) have moved on with their lives, here I am still floating in insecurity.

I’ve gotten too comfortable with what I liked to do, that I’ve forgotten that I still need to leap and jump and step and lick on a few others before I got anywhere closer to the place I wanted to be in life.
And you tried to tell me that, didn’t you?
With all the wrong excuses unfortunately, since your excuse to want me to quit was apparently to get away from your recently wed ex-girlfriend at the time.
But you did throw the right question,
“How will you move forward if you choose to be tied down in the same company that can't appreciate you?”
It’s too late, I know.
But it’s better late than never, right?

After 8 months – and a wedding invitation – I finally got your point.

I have always said to my friends – on my sane moments that is – that life is not all about love. That love is merely an aspect of it. A significant chunk, sure. But there are more in life than just it. We all have those other things in life to worry about, to work on, and to fight for.

You told me in our last encounter that you’d be leaving the country after your marriage, just like you planned it. I told you that you were being a snob for rubbing your success in my face. –I still think you are a snob, FYI.
But even I with all my envy must admit it’s none of your fault. Because I know you worked hard for it. If I may say, you fought your battles well, mister. And for that, I sincerely salute and congratulate you for your achievement. And hence, for your life to come. Sincerely. :)

Speaking of “the one”, I think I’ve just gotten THE revelation last Saturday night, in a corporate event held somewhere along the beach of Jakarta. While watching Mulan Jameela singing Cinta Mati 2 in concert, nonetheless. :|
Let me got this straight, I’m not a big fan of concerts, and certainly not a big fan of Mulan Jameela. But in the midst of all the hassle dazzle, somehow your face popped in my mind. Along with the face of the previous guy, and some other guys before and after the both of you. -*whoops!

And through out that song, I remember holding back my tears while thinking,
“Saya ikhlas, Tuhan.”

I honestly don’t know where life would take me. But I’ll make sure I’ll give my best shot at every corner from now on.

So here’s to life, cup.
The past, the present, and the future.
Cheers!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

the silly cupid chronicles - part 2


about ten years ago, on my high school prom..
i was broken hearted with the fact that my best friend can't be with someone she loves most due to different believes. to give that reason a stronger validation, nyokapnya sahabat gw ini adalah mualaf setelah nikah dengan bokapnya. di sisi lain, nyokapnya cowo ini pindah dari muslim setelah nikah dengan bokapnya.

suffice to say, their families were not jumping ups and downs about their relationship. :S


gw rasa disitu pertama kalinya gw mencatat,

kalau ada dua faktor eksternal yang esensial buat satu hubungan di Indonesia.

pertama itu agama, alasan legal formalnya mungkin karena KUA kita gak bisa meregister satu pernikahan dengan dua agama yg berbeda. alasan lainnya mungkin karena susah untuk ngebangun keluarga dengan dua kepercayaan. i wouldn't know for sure, but i tend to agree and able to relate with these two reasons. my mom also became a moslem after her marriage to my dad. and i'm pretty much grateful that i don't have to choose. hehe..


faktor yang kedua adalah keluarga.

and families are just the trickiest.

they mean well, but often does not execute well on their intentions.

add that with the pressure and expectations they put on you?

ohohoho! prepare to enjoy simple a feast of delight.,

right before a death sentence. :S


taun 2011 ini, di hotel yang sama kaya tempat prom gw dulu.

i have to watch another best friend falls apart over her love.

and it breaks my heart all over again.


cerita di tokoh ini sebnernya siih sama kaya tokoh di cerita silly cupid yang pertama dulu.

si cupi dan bung cupu.


remember that triple date story where one of the couples made up and the other didn't?

well, this is the one that did NOT made up.


the only difference, is that their stake is much higher now.

for my dear cupi is supposed to be married in two months time.

*i 'm very much clueless about the why or how*

all she has ever told me, is that she's getting married because her brother wants to get married and her mom objects the fact that she will be stepped over. ( --- excellent reason to get hooked, cup! -_-")


and at the moment, all i know is that she seems to be desperately in love with a guy...

that is not her fiancé.


and the guy loves her back. he has loved her from before all this complication i guess.

but thanks to his terrible timing and her mind-wrecking indecisiveness,

they are going through a really hardcore sh*tty times right now.

on the dillemma of keeping their commitments and idealism, or standing up for their feelings.


so for the second time in my life; as a cupid, i have no idea what to do.

what would you do if you know your best friend is engaged and yet is in love with someone else?

would it be right to encourage her to pursuit her love?

or should you advise her to stay to her promise instead?


clearly she's not thrilled about her wedding.


and maybe this is just her jitters.

maybe she's just curious about this one person that got away.

that particular one person that was stuck on her mind up to the time she was getting engaged.

the one person that single handedly broken her heart and shattered it to pieces just before she said yes to her guy's proposal.


but what if it's not just a last fling?

should they take that leap of faith? now?


hhh....

i sincerely want her to be happy.

at the end of the day,

i'm just afraid that she will look back to these days and regret not taking that chance to grab on to her feelings.


don't get me wrong.. i've no doubt that her current husband-to-be will do everything to please her.

but completeness is always a high standard.

and you're just not complete with pieces of your hearts shattered all over the place. :(


on that first story i told up front.

my best friend is married with two adorable kids now. she's been married for 5 or 6 years i guess.

her hubby worked abroad on the early years so she was away from this country during most of those times.

but just about a few years back when i was googling my name (just for research! :p).

i found this super cute blog with falling stars and princess' and knights' siluet.

i'd recognize that "ksatria, putri & bintang jatuh' theme anywhere.. it's my best friend's blog!

and on one beautifully written poetic short story style passage (the way she typically wrote),

she wrote about her recent conversation with that high school sweet heart.

and how he suggested a name for the baby that she was carrying at that time.

that alone made me cried in the office.


i cant help to think; "why can't they be together?"


i know the answers i guess.

but that silly part of me just kept on questioning it.

"why can't they be together?"

why give them feelings if they can't keep it?

is that not, cruel? :(


anyways,

i can't help myself to question that same old question again now.

ten years after it was first asked. and it remained unanswered.


if only life can be one of those romantic comedy movie where you can sweep the bride of the altar just by saying:

"I object! please don't marry him.. i love you!"

(and surely they would lived happily ever after..)


but can it be?

i wish it can.

i truly wish it can.


fingers crossed for this one. all four sets of them. :(


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

.my new deepest darkest secret.

Yesterday was officially my new worst day in life after 6th march 2005.
It was the day i call in all sort of favors from my friends to avoid dealing with police due to an incident.

Gw rasa, gw butuh ini.
Gw butuh untuk diingatkan dan disentil untuk terus bersyukur.
And i deserve this. I really do.

Its funny how I used to say, "Everything has a consequence." to my friends as suggestion like I know it by heart.
Because its apparent now that I myself have to be reminded over and over again of the price from an single action and decision.

I'm really sorry for all that has been troubled last night by me. Really am. :(

Dan terima kasih, Tuhan. For giving me a chance to see the mistakes.
And for the opportunity to fix myself to be better in the future.

Amien.

ps.
This post gives each a special thanks to:
Arya, Mbah, Ega, Guncrot, Sapron, Gaper, Yordi..
and last but certainly not least.. my parents.
For being there when i needed it the most and
for their friendship, trust and love.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

the story from a silly cupid..

i've always love to play cupid..
i guess it's just one of my 'thing'.. :p

entah kenapa yap, gw selalu terpanggil untuk memperhatikan dan mengintervensi segala kisah percintaan dari manusia-manusia di sekitar gw..
gw rasa ini tindak lanjut gw atas salah satu kalimat yg dulu bgt pernah gw denger di radio;
"kalo gak bodooh gaak cintaa" katanya..
nah, orang bodoh perlu dibimbing.. karna otaknya suka pada hang.. *supernyolot* :p

nah,
alkisahnya, gw punya dua ekor teman baiiiik di kantor..
satu cewe... yg dengan segala kelabilan dan kepolosan hatinyaa sudah menghasilkan korban jiwa dari pria2 yang jatuh cinta padanya hanya karna salah paham..
*tenang, cupi.. i'm on your side.. capaa curuuh mereka jatuuh cintaaa cama lo? :p

satu lagi cowo,. yg dengan segala kebaikan dan kelembutan hatinya,. agaaak seriing jadi korban dalam masalah percintaan karna kepleset ke zona "Let's Just Be Friends"-nya cewe.. :p

ditengah dinamika dan pergaulan kantor yg kalau didokumentasiin bisa jadi top-rated reality show ini, ada ajaa gitu kasus2 bodoh yang pasti nyangkut ke kita bertiga..
*well, most likely ke sahabat cewe gw sii.. mari kita sebut saja dia cupi.. :p*

but last nite, *ehm, i have to say i'm proud to say.. :p*;
dua2nya sukses menyelesaikan kasus yg mereka punya di kantor dudul ini.. :)

begini prolognya:
cupi ini, adalah salah satu kembang kantor..
jangan tanya kenapa.. karna gw gak tau..
cantik bgt nggak, badannya juga rada buntet,. tapi dia laku daaah.. :p *ampun, cupi..*
sejauh ini kalo diitung-itung.. udah cukup lah anggota Cupi FC buat bikin kesebelasan lengkap sm cadangan.. hehe..

salah satu dari anggota tim itu, adalah seorang cowo pandai dan baikhati yang akan kita sebut: bung cupu!

nah, ganti angle cerita dulu..
sahabat cowo gw, ~mari kita sebut dia cupo~, akhir2 ini deket sm seorang anak kantor juga..
cewe mungil bermata besar yang akan kita sebut: mbak cupa! *mulai gak kreatif*

kenapa sahabat2 gw bisa barengan menutup cerita masing2 tadi mlm?

ini ceritanya:

jauh sebelum cupo deket sm cupa.. ternyata cupa ini pernah digocipin sm bung cupu..
tentunya ini tanpa ada yg menyadari bahwa cupu ini sdg patahhati sm cupi..

dan tentunya pula, cupi pun tak tau bahwa cupu sebegitunya patahhati waktu dia memutuskan untuk mengangkat pacar baru sebulan silam.. kenapa?
karna si bung cupu ini pernah bilang ke cupi,
"i think we're doing great as friends, rite?"
*dowewew... :S

sekali lagi, untuk menambah intrik dan keribetan dari cerita ini..
tentunya bung cupu tak tau kalau alasan preventif dia waktu itu telah membuat cupi kecil hati terhadap kekaguman yg dia simpan sebelumnya..

ckckck...

singkat cerita, tadi mlm kita pergi beramai2..
cupa, cupi, cupu, cupo, gw dan satu orang lagi teman kita.. *terpaksa kita panggil cupe saja..*
this is silly,

cupe ini sebenernya promotor awal dari cupo sm cupa..
tapi karna tiba2 pd suatu hari di progress report mereka si cupa menganalogikan cupo dengan bakso yg sedang ingin ia cicipi diluar mie ayam yg selalu dia pesen..
dilanjutkan dgn gosip2 yg cupe denger soal cupa dan cupu..
cupe sekarang adalah orang yg paling antipati soal perjodohan cupa dan cupo..

*udah mulai pusing belom? :D*

tadi mlm, cupe semaaaangaat bgt soal mempertemukan semua orang..
gw setuju.. drpd cupe ini emoci jiwa cerita ke cupu soal keribetan cerita ini,.
lets unwrap it the old fashion way.. which is rock 'n roll, baby! *halah*
dlm bahasa yg waras, gulirkan saja lah semuanya..

as retweeted from ihatequotes by my *hopefully* future inlaw this morning:
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel." -Morrie Schwartz

kenapa gw memutuskan untuk meretweet itu kembali?
karna triple date yg ditutup dengan couple's longmarch dari fatmawati ke cilandak td mlm berakhir dengan gw plg naik bluebird sendirian.. ditemani cupe yg sedih krn spanyol kalah dari swiss di penyisihan piala dunia.. *hlow??*

cupu dan cupi yang akhirnya memperjelas situasi dan kondisi mereka..
baca:
cupi yg mempertanyakan kenapa jg cupu gak pernah maju buat deketin dia dari dulu2...
disertai dengan cupu yg mengaku patahhati sm cupi karna cupi sudah punya orang skrg..

dan.... cupo yg jadiaaan sm cupaaaa! :)

i can't help to wonder..
andai cupo nurut sm cupe, cupi dan gw seminggu yg lalu..
dia pasti gak punya pacar sekarang..
tapi toh dia milih buat nurut sm hatinya dia dan ngejalanin perasaannya dgn jujur..
tulus dengan mengetahui resiko klo dia bakal sakit hatii malah..
*meskipun sempet nanya ke tempat sampah mana hrs dia buang hatinya dia abis denger paparan kita soal gosip2 cupa dan cupo? hahaa! :p

dan andai dulu cupu nurutin hati dia soal ngedeketin cupi...
mungkin dari duluu kisahnya gak akan seribet ini.. :p

ini post pertama gw setelah absen setaun...
dan sahabat-sahabat gw tau kalau dalam kehidupan nyata pun gw jaraaang bgt ngomong soal hati dan perasaan...

but i just have to write this one i guess...
to remind myself that it is essential to always be true to ourselves..
and to always listen., to our hearts... :)

hwahahahaaa!
udah gilaa kali gw nulis beginian... :p

Saturday, May 9, 2009

a speechless monologue..

dentam

I
aku memendam perasaan ini bagai seorang cilik yang mengantungi kembang gula kesukaannya
selalu ingat dan terus
meraba-raba sakunya


II
aku menyimpan perasaanku tentangmu
tentang semua -
dalam sebuah peti yang kutaruh begitu saja
di sudut

kau pernah melewatinya
tapi kau bengkalaikan saja
karena bayanganku yang menyelubunginya
2003

........................................................................................................

this was taken of a blog, which is told to be for me..
made in the year 2006, and informed to me in the year 2007,,
where evrything is mostly behind us then,,

i was in love back then,,
and i still am now,,
with the same person that created the writings for me at that time,,

for him is always a matter of implicitness;

where he prefers not to say a thing and therefore letting me guess on my own how he feels and thinks,,
he thought i'd understand..

hh...

i truly dont know if there's something wrong with me.
"its just never enough for you..", he said

and maybe he's right,
for it breaks my heart to see how he's able to express his feelings so freely in a blog for someone else after me..

*(though at that particular time i do admit i'm not around..)
and for i'm annoyed by how he can gladly tell me his admiration on things he found surrounds him,,

**(which should be considered normal, yu? he's in berlin??? :S)
oh,

and for how i'm bothered by the fact that he talks about the girls from his past like they're so flawless and better from me..
***(when how come all i hear is my flaws from him?? damn! )

and finally, how i perceived that he's able to be so happy and fine without me...
****(how the hell can i not be that without him??)

i really don't get how he doesnt get what i'm saying.
all my feelings = complaints, right?
i mean, is that really too much for me to ask? of so much of him??

damn.
am i really a selfish b*tch?? :(

i hate losing him.
i let him go once quite sometime ago,
and it sucks like hell! :S
so i should know better now to let go something so easily ~ even though how i feel now sucks as well..

hh,

maybe i'm just making excuses and troubles like he said,,
as part from my internal conflict to resolve my indecisiveness issues.. ~dowewew!

maybe i do need somethin or someone to hold on to..
and he's not around. :(

so i'm playing with my clingy default to make him promise me the world.

hm.. :

no.
you know what?

i think, i'm just in love,,
cause you don't do and wonder about stupid silly little things like this when u're not..
right?

atleast not over a guy... :(

damn!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

onE hectic yEar end...

haha,,
akhir taun ini,, selain kemarin gw dibanjiri pekerjaan yg berlimpah2 sebelum manajer gw tercinta keluar,, masi diwarnain juga sm segala kawinan2 yg tanmpaknya selalu ada di setiap jumat, sabtu dan minggu... lalu, sm pesta akhir taunnya shell di dharmawangsaa..
daaan,, dengan perkara hilangnya teman2 kantor gw tercinta... xC

haduhhaduhaduh.,,,
now i see what hectic means for real.. xp
gw sangat mengagumi bos gw di shell,,
she's really a tough lady,, to be a mom and a manager all at once is not easy at all yaaa..
especially when u have to do other assignments as well..
tapi hektiknya masi bisa ditanggung tu kayanya,, hoho!
canggih d ibu yg itu,, =)

anyways,
by new year tomorrow,, she will have a new assistant that replaces the one she's (and we) have been with for as long as i can remember,, (which is since july 2008.. xp)
and i apparently will have a new manager directly above me that replaces the one i (and we) have been with since i started this job,, (again, since july 2008,, xp)

hwaaaa,,,
what a way to start over a new year yaaaa....
a practically almost all-new teaam,, :p

well,, atleast it closes really well...
the costume party at shell was a blast!
hahaaaa...

i would hate to start the new year (nor to end the one now..) with tears,,
so i prefer to say that hopefully this is just a beginning of something better.. for all people included and mentioned in the scenario.. =)

cheers to all!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

laskaR pelangi harUs sekOlaaaH!

for the last weeks,,
gw udah jungkir balik mikir soal s2 yg mau gw ambil..
hehe..

i never thought in my life,, that i would actually have a shot to take another degree..
it really sounds to good..
just to think of me having another shot in fixing my grades at campus..
(which also means hopefully i will have a higher stepping stone for career life!!hahaaaa...)

tapi,
like i deal with all things that looks and sounds to good..
i have to hesitate..

udah dua hari ini gw denger pertanyaan yg udah mengejar2 gw bertaun2..
"is this what you really want, yu?"

damn..
and the hesitation flooded me so badly that i finally decided to skip the first trial for the course..
hahaa...

barusan,,
ade gw memaksa gw sm emak ntn laskar pelangi..
(sebenernya hari minggu kemaren dia hampir berhasil bikin kita sekeluarga ntn itu setelah 12 taun ga ntn bareng.. sayang tiketnya abis,, nice kid yaaa? hehe!)
and as much as i hate to show my emotional-vulnerability to anyone..
gw nangis2 ajaaa gitu..

yg paling dudul lagi,,
gw itu nangis (diem2 tentunya..) pas mereka pasang qoute UUD'45 (yg sudah diamandemen mungkin..),
"Pasal 31: Semua warga negara berhak menerima pendidikan"

and i hesitated?
shoot.. xC

segitu banyaknya org yg pgn sekolah tapi ga bisa..
dan gw malah bingung pas disuruh sekolah lagi.
have i lost my mind??

i'm taking the call..
and this,, is what i want.. soberly! (amien!)

mari sekolaaaah, kawan2!!! xD