a speechless monologue..

dentam

I
aku memendam perasaan ini bagai seorang cilik yang mengantungi kembang gula kesukaannya
selalu ingat dan terus
meraba-raba sakunya


II
aku menyimpan perasaanku tentangmu
tentang semua -
dalam sebuah peti yang kutaruh begitu saja
di sudut

kau pernah melewatinya
tapi kau bengkalaikan saja
karena bayanganku yang menyelubunginya
2003

........................................................................................................

this was taken of a blog, which is told to be for me..
made in the year 2006, and informed to me in the year 2007,,
where evrything is mostly behind us then,,

i was in love back then,,
and i still am now,,
with the same person that created the writings for me at that time,,

for him is always a matter of implicitness;
where he prefers not to say a thing and therefore letting me guess on my own how he feels and thinks,,
he thought i'd understand..

hh...
i truly dont know if there's something wrong with me.
"its just never enough for you..", he said

and maybe he's right,
for it breaks my heart to see how he's able to express his feelings so freely in a blog for someone else after me..
*(though at that particular time i do admit i'm not around..)
and for i'm annoyed by how he can gladly tell me his admiration on things he found surrounds him,,
**(which should be considered normal, yu? he's in berlin??? :S)
oh,
and for how i'm bothered by the fact that he talks about the girls from his past like they're so flawless and better from me..
***(when how come all i hear is my flaws from him?? damn! )

and finally, how i perceived that he's able to be so happy and fine without me...
****(how the hell can i not be that without him??)

i really don't get how he doesnt get what i'm saying.
all my feelings = complaints, right?
i mean, is that really too much for me to ask? of so much of him??

damn.
am i really a selfish b*tch?? :(

i hate losing him.
i let him go once quite sometime ago,
and it sucks like hell! :S
so i should know better now to let go something so easily ~ even though how i feel now sucks as well..

hh,
maybe i'm just making excuses and troubles like he said,,
as part from my internal conflict to resolve my indecisiveness issues.. ~dowewew!

maybe i do need somethin or someone to hold on to..
and he's not around. :(
so i'm playing with my clingy default to make him promise me the world.

hm.. :

no.
you know what?

i think, i'm just in love,,
cause you don't do and wonder about stupid silly little things like this when u're not..
right?

atleast not over a guy... :(

damn!